We live in a society where the most respectable and acceptable way of having sex is still the monogamous one, where you are deeply in love with your sexual partner, you grow closer and enjoy sex on a fabulous intimate level. This is something we have learned to yearn for and that even works as sort of a rule, still mostly valid particularly for women. Men may be allowed to be more morally open to explore their sex life, whereas women often seem to struggle with repetitive problems: either they are afraid of being labeled a slut when having a diverse sex life, or they fall in love with men they have regular sex with, as if that is what they are supposed to do.
The idea of romantic monogamous sex is not as old as the basic need to have a working sex life. It is a rather new concept, brought up to keep women bound to their spouses. This goes well together with denying female lust that is not connected to love at all. Sorry, but it is not a myth that women can enjoy sex without love; it’s a genuine truth! So, what is a woman within the given system supposed to do when the knight in shining armour she was told she should want to fall in love with and then have the most alluring sex with, does not pop up? Is she damned not to have sex at all until he finally shows his head around the corner?
I clearly oppose to this idea. There are women out there who don’t easily fall in love but still have a sex life and certainly don’t want to miss out the beautiful possibilities our bodies offer one another. The other evening two female friends of mine were telling me that I was the big exception, for I’ve always enjoyed sex with men I was not in love with, men who had a similar understanding of sex and who knew how to devote themselves when entering the beautiful world of sexual arousal. I was never into hook ups or ONS, though. I always liked to get to know men I’d have sex with and to share sex on a friendship level one could never have while being a couple. I believe one can be more open in a “friends with benefits”-sex only relationship than in a relationship that is based on romantic love. I have female friends who have had sex with far more men than I’ve ever allowed into my bed. There were times where I did not want to have sex at all, but I always, always liked this way of bonding, where one is free from emotional blackmailing or having your complete work-life balance getting turned upside down. Casual sex should enrich you on a very physical level.
Don’t get me wrong, I utterly enjoy having sex with the man I am in love with. But if love is not in sight I do not want to miss out on sex. It is as simple as that.
Casual sex is for me a bit like in that old Annie Lennox song “Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves”, meaning that by having casual sex relationships I look after my own sexuality and don’t get dependent on the miracle of love when love just does not come into question. It seems I have always been the type to actively “organise” my sex life. Being a part-time bisexual gal I had more than 10 years in my life of plunging into the depths of lesbian affairs and relationships. Being a woman with a desire for dicks, you can imagine it becomes a problem when falling in love with a human without one – and being told by other (bisexual) women that I behaved like a guy – or should I say “like a dick”? – on the sex level when romance was supposed to be part of the game.
When I was 19 and still a virgin some of my friends were already going through their first pregnancies or had abortions. My boyfriend wanted to make everything perfect for my “first time”, but while trying to do so he completely ruined the experience for me. I broke up with him. Still “kind of” untouched I went out dancing with a friend one evening and ran into that very handsome guy with a very bad reputation… I knew right away that I wanted him to be the one to deflower me. It worked very well and we had a lovely, not too long affair. So many years later I am still happy that it was him and not somebody I was in love with.
Some years ago, while being on the brink of a sexual fulfilling but emotionally numb relationship, I met this much younger man. We had the most wonderful casual sex affair one could think of. Over an eight months period Thomas and I saw and fucked each other once a week. It was always outspoken between us that this was it: devoted physically, otherwise living completely different lives.
Casual sex, the way I understand it, is about pure physical chemistry between two people. It serves the purity of lust, which can bind as well, but it will never ever give you a hard time. When I meet somebody who does not share passion and devotion as I need it, I never continue to see him – one first snogging tells enough. Casual sex as I understand it does allow to learn a lot about yourself, also in the field of jealousy and self-esteem. Doing so, you connect not only with the other person but a lot with yourself. Casual sex never offers the “happily ever after”-modus one might wish for when falling in love. But it is maybe the buddhist way of living out your lustful self. It always reminds you of being in the moment. Naked, or half clad, being right there where the focus is on two bodies sharing the best sexual experience they can give each other. Lust and pleasure, intensity if that’s what you need included, all that is possible within this game. You just don’t put up the romantic sign, which can be fabulous but is not always necessary in order to get (great) sex. You just have to allow it to yourself.