Before my holiday I read something online about women supposedly wanting more dirty sex (sorry, can’t seem to find the article anymore…). What is dirty and what is not is different for every woman cq. individual, but I think we all have a picture of what dirty sex could be. I imagine it involves being rougher, naughtier, dirty talking, animalistic sex, things like that. I did not really think about this anymore until I finished a book called “The G-Spot Handbook for Sex Gods” (original title: “Das-G-Punkt-Handbuch-für-Sexgötter” – as far as I know is only available in german) by Yella Cremer. A great book by the way! I hope it will get translated because I think every man should read it.
At some point the author mentions the Madonna-whore complex. This term originates from Sigmund Freud and is explained as the inability of the male patient to get/maintain sexually aroused within a committed, loving relationship. The man sees a woman either as a prostitute or a saint. Freud wrote: “Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love.”
Nowadays we tend to use this term to describe that for a man the perfect woman is both a saint (= great housewife, mother, friend, etc.) and a whore in the bedroom. Women usually get annoyed when this topic comes up, for we all know that after a long day of looking after the children, changing diapers, breastfeeding, cleaning the house, bringing and picking the children up from school, cooking, most likely also working part-time or even full-time, etc., etc., most of us are not really in the mood for wild, passionate lovemaking. Not because we don’t want to, but because we are tired. How can men expect all this from us, we say. Indeed, how can they.
But then, don’t women expect the same from men? We want them to work, provide for the family, and when they are home help us out in the house and with the children, listen to how hard our day has been, how annoying the kids were, whatever, be our best friend and turn into a wild, insatiable stud between the sheets. I’d say here are quite some high expectations as well. I am pretty sure he’d like to be a sex machine, but he is probably rather exhausted too…
So what is going on here? Are modern women suffering from some sort of Dionysus-allrounder complex? Or should we simply call it stupidity on both sides? We expect everything from one another, which we all know is unrealistic and can very well result not only in disappointment, but also resentment towards each other – and obviously not the kind of sex we desire. Even when we think everything runs rather smoothly in our lives and with each other, the sex quantity for most people in a long term relationship or marriage decreases. Sex therapists advice to plan sex dates, which is not a bad suggestion. Still, when spontaneity lacks, planning to have sex on a certain day at a certain time in my humble opinion does not really help. In addition, when the butterflies are gone, when daily life rules us, the chance is high that the sex becomes more routine, maybe uninspired or even boring.
Maybe we should get back to being cavemen again. No multitasking, no high expectations, no misunderstanding about gender roles, just the stress of trying to survive and the thrill of primitive cavemen sex. Sounds good to me 🙂