- She: “I am not doing blow jobs anymore because guys are not willing to return the favour. He comes, I don’t.”
- He: “Anal sex is important to me. If she doesn’t let me do it, I am not interested in her.”
- She: “Because I (as a teenager) did not want to have sex yet, I used to give my boyfriends blow jobs – so they’d be happy.”
- He: “I am not going down on girls because it takes them so long to come. It’s exhausting. Or they squirt and I don’t want pee all over my face.”
These are just a couple of phrases I have recently come across. They make me feel sad. What is with this quid pro quo sex? Or this ‘I don’t want to have sex but I have to do something’? Ehhh, do you? Why are people thinking so much about what sex should be (with activities, which poses, which whatever…) instead of just seeing – and enjoying – what happens?
Yes, there is a huge orgasm-gap between men and women. Men usually come during intercourse, women very often don’t. Is this by default the man’s fault? No. Men just have it easier – and usually know their penis and how it likes to be treated better than we do our vulva and vagina. We can’t put the responsibility for knowing or not knowing our own bodies and orgasmic capabilities with men. Women need to know how they can come and then they can show their male partners. Most of the time men love to learn. I mean, what guy doesn’t want to broaden his skill set and become a Casanova? If he doesn’t care about your pleasure and satisfaction in the bedroom, don’t threaten not to do certain sexual acts ‘in return’. We’re not in preschool. I’d say: show him the door and find a more playful, willing guy to have fun with. They’re out there!
This anal fixation some men have, fascinates me. It can be part of one’s sexual repertoire and I can imagine it feels good to him because the anus can be tighter than her vagina. But saying a girl doesn’t interest you anymore if she’s not willing to get it in her butt… Sounds a bit superficial to me. It could be that she’s had some bad (= painful or embarrasing ) experiences. Maybe she just needs to be re-introduced to it in a more gentle way. Maybe she’s scared it will hurt. Or maybe she has medical reasons, such as high risk of getting candida infections. Or maybe she feels that if she should do it, he should be open-minded enough to explore his anal side as well 😉
I have this one bedroom rule: I don’t do anything I do not want to/I am not in the mood for. For sex to be great it needs to be fun for both parties. Additionally, if I am not having fun doing certain things like giving oral sex, I am not into it and it simply won’t feel half as good on the receiving end. It’s a no-win situation for both. I guess a teenage boy finds an unmotivated blowjob exciting enough, but really, if she’s not ready to have sex, don’t expect her to compromise by doing something that is actually really intimate too. There are other ways to please each other before anyone having to go down on their knees.
Cunnilingus is not easy to do ‘right’. It usually takes practice and directions from the woman you are giving it to. If she doesn’t tell you how she likes it or if you aren’t willing to learn, don’t even start because yes, you’ll be taking the very, very long road to nowhere.
I can’t say anything smart about squirting, I’m afraid. I have read too many different theories about it to be able to form an opinion. The most informative and neutral article I have found so far, is Female Ejaculation: What is squirting? on the Volonté blog by LELO. All I can add to it, is: if it happens while you are orally pleasuring her, feel proud about it. Your face may get a bit wet, but hey, I bet she’s had some of your stuff on her body and face as well 🙂
Crazy good, fantastic sex, is sex where both are having fun. Hot sex is spontaneous, dirty, sweaty, moist sex. Mindblowing sex is not thinking about what to do and not to do or how you look while doing it. It’s about not knowing exactly what is going to happen and letting it happen, allowing yourself to let go, dive into the experience without any expectations, go with the flow and get into the flow together. Think less, flow more.