Who doesn’t fantasise about a spontaneous, sex adventure? The handsome stranger at the club, the hottie in the bus, the guy bumping into you on the street. A quick look of mutual understanding, followed by steamy sex in some hidden alley and then going your separate ways again. Hot, right? In reality spontaneous, unplanned sexual encounters are quite rare, acting on it even more so – at least in my experience. They are certainly not something you can look for. Okay, that’s not completely true. Thanks to countless sex dating apps it has never been so easy to get some casual sex when you are in need of it. I guess I am too much of a chemistry girl for such cognitive, planned encounters of the flesh to work, but for many others it seems to be fun and fulfilling, or…? 

We know next to nothing about casual sex and hookup experiences. Most research is done with college students, not with people like you and me, who are maybe a bit older – just a bit 😉 – and have more experience. By collecting true stories on The Casual Sex Project, Dr Zhana, a NYC-based sex researcher, educator and NYU professor, works on getting a better understanding of our casual sex and hookup activities. I discovered the website just a few days ago and am very enthusiastic about its existence. For one, other people’s stories are an entertaining read, although mind you, some stories are far from positive. Secondly, the questions Dr. Zhana asks on the web form you need to fill in if you want to share your story, got me thinking about if these sexual adventures can actually be fulfilling – especially for women. 

I’ve had less than a handful of such encounters myself, because for one, I very rarely feel sexually attracted to someone. Like I wrote before I am a chemistry girl and unfortunately for me it hardly happens that lightening strikes me hard enough to get my panties wet. If there’s no one smelling extremely good, blowing my mind and causing adrenaline shots going up and down my spine, I don’t have any interest in sexual intercourse with another human being. This does not mean I don’t get horny. It just means I do not need another body to satisfy my sexual needs. Consequently, casual sex apps are not meant for me. I have tried some platforms out of curiosity, but I always end up wondering what the hell I am doing there. Nope, not for me. Uninstall and bye bye. I know single women, though, who tick differently. They do want just sex and either deliberately go out to get some or use apps to connect to strangers who are looking for the same thing. Honestly, I find that pretty cool! Women who know what they want and take control of their sexual needs no matter what people may say about their behaviour are power women in my book. But do they really get what they need? 

According to some articles I have read in the past in relation to the orgasm gap, men who are on the lookout for a hookup or a one night stand are hardly interested in satisfying the needs of their sex partner. They want a quick fix and that’s it. If she’s having a good time – not to mention an orgasm – is irrelevant. So as a woman I am thinking: why even bother? We have wonderfully functional hands and drawers filled with lovely toys that will do the trick every time we want to. And then there’s another thing that comes to mind: first time sex usually isn’t fantastic. Yes, it can be pretty f*cking intense and give a good impression what can be physically possible between two people. But for sex to become absolutely amazing, in my humble opinion, practice makes perfect. 

I’m a girl like any other, so I’d like to believe in the movies, in spontaneously meeting a sex god who smells amazing, me coming as soon as he enters me and then at least three times more. My mind drifts off to the subway scene in the movie Shame with Michael Fassbender. How I’d love to be the girl he’s staring at and in stead of quickly walking away, take him home with me. Another scene that makes my motor run every single time I watch it – and I have watched it pretty often – is the scene in the second episode of the first season of Penny Dreadful, where Vanessa has sex with a complete stranger on the street. I’m not unfamiliar with noticing someone and instantly knowing that for some unexplainable reason there is a mutual, sexual connection. But acting on it…? As I scroll through the stories on Dr. Zhana’s website again I tend to think some adventures must be made up. So what’s going on here? Am I too sceptical? Or can it really be like in the movies?

Do you have a casual sexy experience you’d like to share? Feel free to send them to hello@nakedmenhappywomen.org