Sometimes, on rainy days like today, I wonder where we are all going – sexually that is.

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Sometimes, on the rare occasion I feel lustful and am too lazy to think up a story in my mind to get me off, I do what many of us do: watch something naughty on the internet. It does the trick fast and effectively, like fast food. After this quick release my mind returns and starts pondering. I re-watch the video and I think my usual thought: man, this is so fucking boring. It’s the same repertoire, it’s mechanical and it’s fast. People speed-fucking without any sign that any one of them is truthfully enjoying it. I know I can choose to watch something else, like feminist porn or the newest trend: slow porn. Feminist porn is not my cup of tea; most of the time it’s too lesbian or simply too distractive with all the artsy elements that are supposed to make us believe we are watching something “better” and female friendlier. Slow porn looks nice but does not have the same Mac Donalds effect that most of us are after, now does it?

“Garden of earthly delighty” by Hieronymus Bosch (1450 – 1516)

Generally I don’t mind that there is pornography, but I am starting to wonder if this abundance of and easy access to porn is doing our sexual development and (s)expectations any good. Our children grow up with it. They see pornography before having their first sexual experiences. Pornography forms and pressurises them before they can discover for and by themselves what they really like and what not. The sensation of the body changing during puberty, the curiosity of touching someone else’s skin, the anticipation of a kiss, being intimate with another person, all of that gets clouded by cock sucking, ass fucking, SM, gang bang and cumming on the face images. I am not saying these are unusual or wrong sexual practices, by all means. But I don’t think young people should have these images shoved up their throats. In our society people – especially young girls – grow up thinking it is more important to be sexy than congenial. The average teenage girl selfie is a good example, google some and you’ll understand what I mean. Young men need to have big dicks, be cool and everlasting fucking machines. The media makes sex extremely important and kills the fun of it at the same time.

Art by Terry Rodgers

Art by Terry Rodgers

But maybe we should feel more sorry for ourselves, the grown ups, the older generation. Those youngsters won’t know any better. We on the other hand seem sexually lost. We struggle with socially/religiously enforced ideals like monogamy, sexual fidelity and marriage for life which most of us can’t realise because it’s simply not how we function and it is not really making us happy – when we allow ourselves to admit it. We either live serial monogamy, trying to find one “true love” after another rather than looking for a companion with whom we can build a stable basis for a family, a life together, in which we do not claim one another and leave some space for the instinctive being in us that from time to time just wants to have sex with someone else. Or we have furtive affairs and sexual escapades to fulfil our secret (= basic, really) desires or escape our every day boring lives.

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All of this we try to find on the internet, where we go through profiles with sexy selfies and judge the content before even having seen, smelled, heard, sensed these people in person, and end up being disappointed because most of the time the intellectual selection of a partner or hook up does not work for the animal in us. We struggle with the same media: how to look hot, the ten best sex positions, how to deep throat perfectly so that he asks you to marry him, multiple orgasms, squirting, always being in the mood, have erections that last for hours, bisexuality as a trend (but not for men because that is gay!), sex toys, lust pills and creams that promise the world, etc. And what happens: we buy the newest toys, lust pills and creams and are disappointed because we still don’t have ten orgasms, soak the sheets, get horny or keep an erection longer than 20 minutes. During real sexual encounters men can’t keep it up because women are not going hardcore on their dicks like the women do on YouPorn and vice versa: she does the whole repertoire like a good, sexy, horny girl should when all he wants is to be intimate with her, take their time and actually feel something. We end up sitting in front of our PC’s again or staring on our mobiles watching porn and being bored, unhappy and frustrated after all.

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I just find all of this… sad. I feel sad for myself “suffering” from lack of lust like so many women of my age do. But mostly I feel very sad for my daughter, who will grow up in this brave, new, sexy(less) world. I wonder what it would be like if there only would be a copy of the Kamasutra on our parents’ bookshelf again (I would add a book on biology, sexual anatomy and Treue ist auch keine Lösung, translate: fidelity is also no solution, by Lisa Fischbach and Holger Lendt, which I think EVERY ONE should read btw!). Maybe there’s a copy of a naughty magazine hidden under a mattress or in a drawer. Everything else would be found out by our natural sex driven selves again, like in the “old” days.

Am I getting old? Maybe. I do sound like it. But… there is some truth in it, or?

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“O wonder!
How many godly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,
That has such people in’t.”

William Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act V, Scene I, ll. 203–206