Is sexual intercourse only good when it ends with having an orgasm? Most men will probably answer this question with a ‘yes’. Many women are likely to say ‘no’. Why is that?
We’ve all heard about the orgasm gap between men and women. Men usually have an orgasm from sexual intercourse, women – and please let’s be honest here – quite often do not. Most of us girls have more or less accepted this fact, for different reasons:
- Because for a woman it is simply not that easy to have an orgasm from intercourse only.
- Because female masturbation is still considered strange, so we do not touch ourselves or let him touch our clitoris during intercourse.
- Because we have been brainwashed into thinking our orgasm is not as important as his is. A man has this point of no return so he needs to come. Women supposedly do not. We don’t know that feeling of getting sooo close but not enough to come and then feeling quite frustrated, huh? Nooooo. Duh.
- Because of religious/societal ideas about the diminished importance of female sexual satisfaction. A man needs sex, a woman provides sex.
If you have read my previous article on the orgasm gap, you know I feel women should take matters into their own hands. Touch yourself during sex, teach him how to touch/lick/fuck you. Take responsibility of your pleasure, because every woman ticks differently. Men are great and can do a lot, but they usually can’t read minds. If he is willing to please you, he is more than willing to suck up all the personal orgasm knowledge you have. So give it to him.
But then I read this article on bustle.com about how thinking you should come could pressurise your relationship and have to admit there is another angle to coming or not coming while having sexual intercourse.
In order to perceive sex to be absolutely fantastic, we believe having and/or giving an orgasm is a necessity. Not being able to come, makes us feel insecure. It is not for nothing that the media constantly comes up with all these great suggestions how to climax not just once, but multiple times.
Again, for men to orgasm through intercourse is more of less easily achieved. For women it is not. So if having an orgasm is difficult for her, either she feels pressure because she should come in order to have and provide for perfect sex (read: flatter his sexual skills and feel like a real woman), or he feels pressure because he should be able to make her come and is not man enough to do so.
Again, women should take matters into their own hands and not let themselves be convinced their orgasm is not that important, that sex for women is more about ‘experiencing intimacy’ than sexual satisfaction or that a man by default will know how to do it. But there is a but. This but has to do with situations in which it may really just not work , especially the first time when you have sex with a new sex partner, and where it is totally okay – at least for now 😉
As soon as pressure joins the bed, the chances of her coming decrease exponentially. She won’t be able to get it done herself – and he certainly won’t either. Sex becomes a challenge and isn’t fun any more – not for her and not for him. This is a shame, because sex should be nothing less than fun. Let’s make an easy comparison: if you play a game, let’s say Monopoly or football, do you need to win to feel the game has been the best of fun? Sure, winning may be the cherry on top, but there are many times the game itself, the interaction with other people, satisfies completely. Same goed for sex. I don’t even know where to begin to describe all the absolutely crazy good feelings sex with a in my heterosexual preference desirable man can provide without having an orgasm. Sensing his skin on yours, him entering you, the thrusts, the pleasure of surrendering to him or him to you, the trust, all these wonderful sensations that honestly can’t be compared with coming because they are something different all together. An orgasm fades. All these other feeling, though, can be more than enough to keep you in the happy clouds for days – and long for more…
Then there is this situation where the woman or rather her pussy is so excited, so over the top, so overwrought by all the hot sensations described in the previous paragraph, that having an orgasm is not possible any more. You ladies know what I am talking about, right? The best thing to do in this situation is to take a break, relax, and if wanted gently go for it again.
And last but not least there is this thing called Great (S)Expectations aka Reality Check. You have been yearning for this man or woman for weeks or even months. You feel you are about to explode with desire. Then you finally have him or her naked in your arms and somehow an orgasm does not seem possible. Is something wrong? No, absolutely not. Well, you may just have seen too many movies in which people have the ‘perfect’, orgasmic sex the very first time they’re going at it. The reality is different. You feel overwhelmed. You don’t know what this person likes and what not – and hey, he or she does not have that information on you either! You may wonder if he or she likes you, your body and what you do, etc. etc. An orgasm starts in the head. If the head is not free, you can forget about coming.
In these three situations it is perfectly fine to just relax, enjoy the ride and be okay with not coming. The sex can still be so amazing and intense you can’t wrap your head around it. If it is like that, chances are high that climaxing will work the next time anyway.