Last week the german television channel Zweite Deutsche Fernsehen (ZDF) showed two reports about sexual desire: Das Geheimnis der Lust (the secret of lust) and Hirn = 1. Sexorgan (The Brain = nr. 1 sex organ). Experts such as David Schnarch, Ulrich Clement, Werner Bartens, Helen Fisher and Karen Hicks explain female sexual desire and answer questions such as how sexual desire accrues, why the libido of couples who are in a longterm relationship at some point decreases, how much sexual desire is normal, why it is not sexy not to feel horny and if women really are less lustful than men. All this due to Viagra for Women being presented as the solution to the lack of female lust.
After watching these reports I have to admit I was very flattered with myself, because without knowing most of the experts mentioned above (except Ulrich Clement, of whom I’m a big, big fan!) I have been writing down their ideas and opinions right here on Naked Men, Happy Women. To me it is a bit of proof that one does not have to be a scientist to understand sex – as long as you are willing to be honest with yourself and have the privilege to talk openly about sex with other people, which (I love to) do. And… it’s also proof of the existence of a collective consciousness from which we tap our thoughts and ideas, but that’s a completely different topic indeed 🙂
If you understand the german language, I recommend watching the two reports online. For those of you who do not I will share the most important statements.
1.Women desire sex just as much as men. Yes, they really do!
2. In fact, female sexual desire is very strong and… insatiable!
3. Her promiscuous true nature (which is a positive thing!) is being suppressed for millennia because it is considered a threat.
4. By (sexually) suppressing women – by marriage, religion, dogmas, the corset, female genital mutilation, foot binding, the idea of monogamy, ‘disney love’, the dictation of sexual exclusivity, you name it – our (patriarch) society stays stable. From a biological point of view men make more or less sure it is their offspring she’s having.
5. Because women who are sexually open are considered a threat, society calls them sluts and by that continues to try to keep them (sexually) suppressed.
6. Men on the other hand are ‘allowed’ to have sex, lots of sex and with many sexual partners. This is not considered a thread, it is considered to be normal, it’s in their nature.
7. Female sexual lust is very much influenced by her surroundings: atmosphere, scent, sound, etc. If something does not fit or distracts her, she gets out of the mood quickly.
8. For men the quantity of sex is important, for women quality of sex. Perhaps because men generally always come and women do not, women focus more on the whole act of sex instead of the result (= orgasm). In other words, if women would have an orgasm every time they’d have sex, they’d certainly want to increase the quantity.
9. Male prostitutes for women don’t really work because a woman wants to feel desired. She does not feel desired by a strange man whom she has to pay to have sex with her. Her wish to be desired, in my opinion, also plays a role when couples watch porn together: she feels his lust has nothing to do with her -> she does not want to have sex.
10. Women in longterm relationships get sexually bored more quickly than men do. Distinctly that is.
11. When a woman is sexually bored, she tends to think she does not want sex in general: she has a libido problem. Or rather, society wants her to think she has a libido problem/hyperactive sexual desire disorder/female sexual arousal disorder/frigidity… But in most cases she wants the sex to be different. Her not wanting to have sex is not a disorder, it is a quality statement.
12. By making women who are bored with the sex they have believe they have a disorder, society can come up with a pink pill to solve the problem – and to make money. The alternative would be to help her change the sex she is having with her partner, which is hard work for both, or for her to find what she wants somewhere else – and that’s a thread.
13. The sexual interests of men and women in relationships start to differ more the longer the relationship lasts. In the beginning of a relationship they both know what they want and desire a similar amount of sex. They create a sex repertoire. After three years it is only 1/4 of women who want the same amount of sex as men. At the same time the desire for an escapade, for something different/new, grows. The sex repertoire, logically really, has gotten boring.
14. The idea of sexual exclusivity, meaning we should only be with and desire one person for as long as we live, leads to frustration, jealousy, disappointment, heartbreak, high divorce rates and serial monogamy.
15. I am pretty sure sexual exclusivity was already a challenge when we only got to be 40-45 years old. Now we get 70/80/90… Just think about what you are demanding of yourself – and your partner…